Unfriendly

Several years ago, in the early evening of a beautiful autumnal Tuesday I was walking through Washington Square Park in NYC.  Ahead of me was a girl, early twenties, cute, well groomed, talking loudly on her cell phone.  She was clearly talking to a close friend and it was obvious the subject matter was very serious.  The conversation was punctuated with exclamations of “I know, right?!?” and “Can you believe it?!?!”  Being the naturally curious person that I am, I walked a little faster in order to more effectively eavesdrop on the conversation.

-                Yeah, I know . . . I know.  But, I just, you know . . . I LOVE him.  I really do.  (Pause.)  Right – no, I can’t take that – not from him – not from anyone . . . I know.  Yes.  Yes.  I am better than that – I deserve better than that.  (Pause.)  That’s what I thought – I thought it was special – I mean, yeah – he and I  . . . (Pause.)  I know.  (Pause.) I KNOW.  (Pause.)  I know – I know I should but I can’t just do it like that – I mean, after everything – I can’t just -  (Pause.)  Oh, this is SO HARD!!  But you’re right...

The conversation was building to a fevered pitch – to a climax – to a moment of decision and action!  This guy was going to get his ass handed to him on a platter – a moment of break-up.  I felt a part of the drama.  I was in on it – I knew before he knew.  Sucker!  I walked a little faster to more clearly hear the resolution . . .

-                Yeah.  Yeah – you’re right – I know.  Fine . . . fine . . . OKAY.  I’ll do it . . . I’ll unfriend him.

Yup, that was the climax – the big decision – no longer would he be privileged to witness her online existence —she was cutting him off – letting him have it – unfriending him. 

At the time it all seemed so ridiculous.  I was not yet on Facebook and the whole idea of social media (outside of a brief stint on Myspace) was relatively foreign and ridiculous to me.  This was the worst she could do?  Unfriend him?  The guy didn’t realize how lucky he was if this was the extent of his consequences. 

But, a few years later, my perspective shifted.

Last year one day after a break-up  -- mind you, a break up where I was dumped – I was unfriended . . . AND blocked.  It was a remarkable slap to the face – a powerful online gesture that hit me hard.  First of all, being the dumped one I felt that I should have the privilege of doing the unfriending.  And second of all why unfriend?  And why block?!?  Why add insult to injury?  The power of the unfriend was revealed – and it stung. 

A couple of weeks ago I became very irritated reading my Facebook news feed.  It seemed like several loud-mouthed “friends” were constantly posting ultra-conservative and bigoted comments.  Some about gay marriage, others about Obama, still others about immigration and child rearing.  I found myself yelling at my computer screen and felt the beginning tingles of a hastily worded liberally biased venomous response.  But all of a sudden I had a thought:  Why was I even Facebook friends with these people?  Some of them were former students, others former classmates from high school while others I have no idea how I was connected to them – they managed to slip in under the radar.  Why did a simple friend request grant them permission to invade my life? 

I had an idea and a moment of courage.  With my heart racing a bit and a giddy (if slightly insane) grin on my face, I went to their profile . . . scrolled down on the left hand side – and clicked “unfriend.”  Facebook asked me if I was sure that I wanted to unfriend them – and I confirmed the action.  And – voila!  That was that.  My friend count went down by one – as did my blood pressure.  It felt so . . . so . . . so good!  It felt like I was finally taking the power into my own hands . . . and sticking it to the conservative assholes.  For a long time I had deluded myself into thinking that I could make more of a positive impact by keeping them as friends and by posting things to my profile that might sway their interest or increase their awareness of gay rights or inclusive thinking.  But the reality was that I was allowing them to get under my skin and cause me distress with their bigoted, self-righteous babbling.  With a few little clicks of my mouse – they were gone and I was blissfully free. 

Now, I have yet to do a pruning of my Facebook friend list – heaven knows it could use a spring cleaning – but I have definitely opened myself up to the possibility of unfriending those that cause me grief.  In the weeks since I have unfriended several right-wingers, a clearly psychotic individual who was using Facebook as a means of relieving their paranoid and psychotic ramblings, two individuals who posted several times a day with only food updates (“Orange juice, two bagels and a slab of cream cheese – mmmmmmm!”) and someone who posted daily weigh-ins – where they were consistently gaining weight (the goal being to lose weight) . . . While there is nothing particularly wrong with any of these, they were all causing me grief – making Facebook less of a positive experience for me – AND, perhaps most importantly, the individuals were not indeed my friends!  Click click.  Sayonara. 

Good riddance, I say!

Now, should they attempt to re-friend me . . . what then, you ask?  Well, Facebook has actually made it easy on those of us who find it hard to reject people.  When you get a friend request, your options are either “Confirm” or “Not Now.”  So – I am not required to Reject or Deny someone’s request for friendship – I can merely say, Not Now.  After all, who knows . . . maybe somewhere down the line I will actually be friends with these people.  And boy oh boy, then we’ll have a good chuckle.