This post – like the previous – has been inspired by Facebook . . . what is our world coming to? Recently, I found that there were profiles that I was avoiding. Certain individuals, if they showed up in my “news feed” would be skipped. I would make sure I did not read their status updates, wall posts, or check-ins. Initially this was an unconscious act. I was not aware I was doing it. But gradually I became aware of a pinch in my chest, an elevation in my heartbeat, and a rush to action at certain moments. It felt like something hid for a good reason, so initially I did not attempt to figure it out. But, my curious psychological nature eventually got the best of me and I decided to investigate.
Who were these people whom I was skipping? Why the urgency and drive to avoid? Were they the crazy posters – the obviously mentally unstable friends who post in torrents of emotional vomit and diarrhea? Were they the conservative right-wingers who consistently put up segments of the Pledge of Allegiance or petitions for gun rights? Alas, no. They were my beloved gay friends. More precisely, they were my beloved gay friends who were in relationships.
Deep down, I didn’t want to see that John and his partner had checked in to a cute bed and breakfast in Maine, or that Antoine and his new husband were “spending a quiet evening at home with a bowl of ice cream and Glee.” Derek’s celebration of “five years with the love of my life” or Andrew’s “two more days until I get to see my honey” were practically indigestible for me. The photos, the sickeningly beautiful celebrations of milestones or adoptions, anniversaries, proposals – they caused a physical response in me . . . and not a pleasant one.
You see, I was (am?) filled with envy.
It took me a while to figure out and admit -- very interesting how hard it was to accept and realize. It is so basic – one of the Seven Deadly Sins, basic. Anthropologist George Foster in a fascinating 1972 article called “The Anatomy of Envy” has this to say:
“We can admit to feelings of guilt, shame, false pride, and even momentary greed without necessarily damaging our egos. We can even safely confess to occasional overpowering anger, and although we recognize the destructive nature of great anger, our self-image does not suffer as long as we can justify that anger. But to admit to envy is enormously difficult for the average American; unlike anger, there is no socially acceptable justification that permits us to confess strong envy. Envy is untenable and unacceptable” (p165).
Envy is an admission of failure – the inability to achieve something that other people have achieved. And not only is it a statement of “I can’t” – it is also evolves into a feeling of “and I wish you couldn’t either.” They say that there are three phases to envy, the first is a feeling of loss for what one does not have – seems simple enough, and legitimate. The second phase is where envy begins its nasty turn, in resenting the good fortunes of others – “why is he in a relationship and I’m not? It’s not going to last – we all know how he is . . .” etc. The third step is where it moves from an attitude and into action – taking steps to actually hurt others. Now, I don’t think I’ve gone this far yet, but I could see it possible that my subconscious could leak out and act in ways to harm my friends.
I am definitely not alone in this – I realize that. There are many of us that wish to be in relationships but for one reason or another are not. I also feel it is similar (thought not the same) as the experience of women who want to have babies but can’t. Looking around and feeling that almost everyone else in the world has what I want – and being pissed off about that. Finding myself avoiding friends with relationships – not wanting to see their happiness because it merely fuels my own sense of loss and incompetence. Knowing that there is something within me that is preventing me from attaining my wish – but not being able to fix it. Feeling stuck in an unfair place with little hope that things will change . . . while everyone around me seems blissfully paired.
So the problem for me becomes, how do I let go of my envy – how do I release the pain I experience when seeing the good fortunes of others? How can I be happy with those I care about without the physical experience of envy? And do I really want to let go of it? Like so many known experiences, perhaps it is something that gives my life meaning – perhaps I am attached to the suffering. Perhaps on some level I identify with the role of the tragic loner.
I think my answer comes in a few ways. First, I think it is important to realize that my glorified perceptions of what it is to be in a relationship and the relationships of my friends is probably a bit clouded. The actuality of being in a relationship obviously takes work and is not always better than the alternative. Second, I think there are things I can learn from my friends who are in relationships – opening myself up to what I might learn from them might dampen my feelings of exclusion and despair. Third, I can drop the competition mindset and realize that we all have our own rhythms and timelines – comparison to other people will bring me nothing but heartache and insecurity. Fourth, I can stop idealizing relationship living as the only way to be happy – my life is pretty great on many levels and adopting a poverty mentality simply because I am not in a relationship does me no good. And lastly, I can examine what it means to be in a relationship – is it really something I want – and if it is, how about making concrete plans to get that. I am usually pretty skilled at getting what I want in other areas of my life . . . why not this one.
Yes, I have no doubt I will continue my dance with the green eyed monster for a while – I will have my momentary pains of envy. But, as they say, knowing is half the battle – by identifying my envy perhaps I can do something about it.
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