Green Eyed

This post – like the previous – has been inspired by Facebook . . . what is our world coming to?  Recently, I found that there were profiles that I was avoiding.  Certain individuals, if they showed up in my “news feed” would be skipped.  I would make sure I did not read their status updates, wall posts, or check-ins.  Initially this was an unconscious act.  I was not aware I was doing it.  But gradually I became aware of a pinch in my chest, an elevation in my heartbeat, and a rush to action at certain moments.  It felt like something hid for a good reason, so initially I did not attempt to figure it out.  But, my curious psychological nature eventually got the best of me and I decided to investigate.

Who were these people whom I was skipping?  Why the urgency and drive to avoid?  Were they the crazy posters – the obviously mentally unstable friends who post in torrents of emotional vomit and diarrhea?  Were they the conservative right-wingers who consistently put up segments of the Pledge of Allegiance or petitions for gun rights?  Alas, no.  They were my beloved gay friends.  More precisely, they were my beloved gay friends who were in relationships. 

Deep down, I didn’t want to see that John and his partner had checked in to a cute bed and breakfast in Maine, or that Antoine and his new husband were “spending a quiet evening at home with a bowl of ice cream and Glee.”  Derek’s celebration of “five years with the love of my life” or Andrew’s “two more days until I get to see my honey” were practically indigestible for me.  The photos, the sickeningly beautiful celebrations of milestones or adoptions, anniversaries, proposals – they caused a physical response in me . . . and not a pleasant one. 

 

You see, I was (am?) filled with envy. 

It took me a while to figure out and admit -- very interesting how hard it was to accept and realize.  It is so basic – one of the Seven Deadly Sins, basic.  Anthropologist George Foster in a fascinating 1972 article called “The Anatomy of Envy” has this to say:

 “We can admit to feelings of guilt, shame, false pride, and even momentary greed without necessarily damaging our egos.  We can even safely confess to occasional overpowering anger, and although we recognize the destructive nature of great anger, our self-image does not suffer as long as we can justify that anger.  But to admit to envy is enormously difficult for the average American; unlike anger, there is no socially acceptable justification that permits us to confess strong envy.  Envy is untenable and unacceptable” (p165).

Envy is an admission of failure – the inability to achieve something that other people have achieved.  And not only is it a statement of “I can’t” – it is also evolves into a feeling of “and I wish you couldn’t either.”  They say that there are three phases to envy, the first is a feeling of loss for what one does not have – seems simple enough, and legitimate.  The second phase is where envy begins its nasty turn, in resenting the good fortunes of others – “why is he in a relationship and I’m not?  It’s not going to last – we all know how he is . . .” etc.  The third step is where it moves from an attitude and into action – taking steps to actually hurt others.  Now, I don’t think I’ve gone this far yet, but I could see it possible that my subconscious could leak out and act in ways to harm my friends. 

I am definitely not alone in this – I realize that.  There are many of us that wish to be in relationships but for one reason or another are not.  I also feel it is similar (thought not the same) as the experience of women who want to have babies but can’t.  Looking around and feeling that almost everyone else in the world has what I want – and being pissed off about that.  Finding myself avoiding friends with relationships – not wanting to see their happiness because it merely fuels my own sense of loss and incompetence.  Knowing that there is something within me that is preventing me from attaining my wish – but not being able to fix it.  Feeling stuck in an unfair place with little hope that things will change . . . while everyone around me seems blissfully paired.    

So the problem for me becomes, how do I let go of my envy – how do I release the pain I experience when seeing the good fortunes of others?  How can I be happy with those I care about without the physical experience of envy?  And do I really want to let go of it?  Like so many known experiences, perhaps it is something that gives my life meaning – perhaps I am attached to the suffering.  Perhaps on some level I identify with the role of the tragic loner.    

           

I think my answer comes in a few ways.  First, I think it is important to realize that my glorified perceptions of what it is to be in a relationship and the relationships of my friends is probably a bit clouded.  The actuality of being in a relationship obviously takes work and is not always better than the alternative.  Second, I think there are things I can learn from my friends who are in relationships – opening myself up to what I might learn from them might dampen my feelings of exclusion and despair.  Third, I can drop the competition mindset and realize that we all have our own rhythms and timelines – comparison to other people will bring me nothing but heartache and insecurity.  Fourth, I can stop idealizing relationship living as the only way to be happy – my life is pretty great on many levels and adopting a poverty mentality simply because I am not in a relationship does me no good.  And lastly, I can examine what it means to be in a relationship – is it really something I want – and if it is, how about making concrete plans to get that.  I am usually pretty skilled at getting what I want in other areas of my life . . . why not this one.

Yes, I have no doubt I will continue my dance with the green eyed monster for a while – I will have my momentary pains of envy.  But, as they say, knowing is half the battle – by identifying my envy perhaps I can do something about it. 

Unfriendly

Several years ago, in the early evening of a beautiful autumnal Tuesday I was walking through Washington Square Park in NYC.  Ahead of me was a girl, early twenties, cute, well groomed, talking loudly on her cell phone.  She was clearly talking to a close friend and it was obvious the subject matter was very serious.  The conversation was punctuated with exclamations of “I know, right?!?” and “Can you believe it?!?!”  Being the naturally curious person that I am, I walked a little faster in order to more effectively eavesdrop on the conversation.

-                Yeah, I know . . . I know.  But, I just, you know . . . I LOVE him.  I really do.  (Pause.)  Right – no, I can’t take that – not from him – not from anyone . . . I know.  Yes.  Yes.  I am better than that – I deserve better than that.  (Pause.)  That’s what I thought – I thought it was special – I mean, yeah – he and I  . . . (Pause.)  I know.  (Pause.) I KNOW.  (Pause.)  I know – I know I should but I can’t just do it like that – I mean, after everything – I can’t just -  (Pause.)  Oh, this is SO HARD!!  But you’re right...

The conversation was building to a fevered pitch – to a climax – to a moment of decision and action!  This guy was going to get his ass handed to him on a platter – a moment of break-up.  I felt a part of the drama.  I was in on it – I knew before he knew.  Sucker!  I walked a little faster to more clearly hear the resolution . . .

-                Yeah.  Yeah – you’re right – I know.  Fine . . . fine . . . OKAY.  I’ll do it . . . I’ll unfriend him.

Yup, that was the climax – the big decision – no longer would he be privileged to witness her online existence —she was cutting him off – letting him have it – unfriending him. 

At the time it all seemed so ridiculous.  I was not yet on Facebook and the whole idea of social media (outside of a brief stint on Myspace) was relatively foreign and ridiculous to me.  This was the worst she could do?  Unfriend him?  The guy didn’t realize how lucky he was if this was the extent of his consequences. 

But, a few years later, my perspective shifted.

Last year one day after a break-up  -- mind you, a break up where I was dumped – I was unfriended . . . AND blocked.  It was a remarkable slap to the face – a powerful online gesture that hit me hard.  First of all, being the dumped one I felt that I should have the privilege of doing the unfriending.  And second of all why unfriend?  And why block?!?  Why add insult to injury?  The power of the unfriend was revealed – and it stung. 

A couple of weeks ago I became very irritated reading my Facebook news feed.  It seemed like several loud-mouthed “friends” were constantly posting ultra-conservative and bigoted comments.  Some about gay marriage, others about Obama, still others about immigration and child rearing.  I found myself yelling at my computer screen and felt the beginning tingles of a hastily worded liberally biased venomous response.  But all of a sudden I had a thought:  Why was I even Facebook friends with these people?  Some of them were former students, others former classmates from high school while others I have no idea how I was connected to them – they managed to slip in under the radar.  Why did a simple friend request grant them permission to invade my life? 

I had an idea and a moment of courage.  With my heart racing a bit and a giddy (if slightly insane) grin on my face, I went to their profile . . . scrolled down on the left hand side – and clicked “unfriend.”  Facebook asked me if I was sure that I wanted to unfriend them – and I confirmed the action.  And – voila!  That was that.  My friend count went down by one – as did my blood pressure.  It felt so . . . so . . . so good!  It felt like I was finally taking the power into my own hands . . . and sticking it to the conservative assholes.  For a long time I had deluded myself into thinking that I could make more of a positive impact by keeping them as friends and by posting things to my profile that might sway their interest or increase their awareness of gay rights or inclusive thinking.  But the reality was that I was allowing them to get under my skin and cause me distress with their bigoted, self-righteous babbling.  With a few little clicks of my mouse – they were gone and I was blissfully free. 

Now, I have yet to do a pruning of my Facebook friend list – heaven knows it could use a spring cleaning – but I have definitely opened myself up to the possibility of unfriending those that cause me grief.  In the weeks since I have unfriended several right-wingers, a clearly psychotic individual who was using Facebook as a means of relieving their paranoid and psychotic ramblings, two individuals who posted several times a day with only food updates (“Orange juice, two bagels and a slab of cream cheese – mmmmmmm!”) and someone who posted daily weigh-ins – where they were consistently gaining weight (the goal being to lose weight) . . . While there is nothing particularly wrong with any of these, they were all causing me grief – making Facebook less of a positive experience for me – AND, perhaps most importantly, the individuals were not indeed my friends!  Click click.  Sayonara. 

Good riddance, I say!

Now, should they attempt to re-friend me . . . what then, you ask?  Well, Facebook has actually made it easy on those of us who find it hard to reject people.  When you get a friend request, your options are either “Confirm” or “Not Now.”  So – I am not required to Reject or Deny someone’s request for friendship – I can merely say, Not Now.  After all, who knows . . . maybe somewhere down the line I will actually be friends with these people.  And boy oh boy, then we’ll have a good chuckle.