Homeless

This past weekend I had the divine pleasure of going to White Plains, NY for a conference of the National Association for Drama Therapy.  The conference was good – however, the best part was catching up with my amazing NYC friends that I haven’t seen since the summer.  As Lindsay and I were driving away from the conference – heading back to Montreal – I was shocked at the profound wave of melancholy that washed over me.  It was a large mouthful of homesickness.  I’ve been trying to pick it apart – find the meaning behind it – and this is what I came up with. 






The theme of the conference was “Finding Home: Pathways to belonging.”  I didn’t think anything of it initially - a nice little conference theme that allowed people to come up with some broad and creative presentations.  But then I attended a workshop lead by my dear friend Lucy.  In the workshop we explored the concept of home – and I realized that in many ways, just like my former clients, I feel homeless.  Sure, I am fortunate enough to have a roof over my head – but in many other ways I feel a bit adrift.  Montreal is great, and hard, and seemingly temporary.  New York is big and intense and the center of the universe and was my home for 8 years and yet in looking at it now, it doesn’t feel like home.  As I sort through my inner world, the closest I can come to feeling at home is Utah – and for those of you who know me, that’s a little insane. 



I guess in many ways it makes sense that Utah is home.  That’s where my entire family is based (even if the parents are currently in South Africa).  It is also where I spent half of the years of my life.  Granted, many of those years were fraught with strife and self-loathing, nevertheless, I had a place there. 


Is home a place, though?  As I look at my experiences over this past weekend, I realized that I felt at home in White Plains.  At the risk of sounding incredibly cliché, home, I realized, is not about the location – not about the roof, the porch, the familiar cracks in the sidewalk or the view out the front window – home, instead, is about the people.

In White Plains I was surrounded by many of the people I hold most dear – like the smell of baking bread or the sound of someone practicing the piano, their presence felt familiar and comfortable.  Upon thinking, I began to wonder whether or not I will ever feel truly at home until I find someone to be with.  It seems very exciting – and strangely foreign – to think about having home as someone who is with me.  To travel with home.  To come home to home – to have home come home to me (alright, I know, a bit hokey).  The truth is I am resistant to relationships – for whatever reason.  And sadly I suppose that until I get over that resistance I am going to continue feeling a bit homeless.  However, I know that I will have beautiful moments of homefulness in the arms of my friends and family to break up the isolation.  And for that, I am truly grateful.

Visitors

This past week I was very lucky and had visitors from the foreign country just south of here.  Sonya and Kathy decided to join me for their Columbus Day weekend, which happened to coincide with our Thanksgiving Holiday.  Of course, first and foremost we sought out the best cupcake places in the city.  And, I must say, Cocoa Locale took the cake.  Their Chocolate Chai cupcakes are seriously the most amazing cupcakes I have ever partaken of -- shocking.  Not to be missed -- but catch them early in the day because when she sells out -- she closes.

We also wandered around Old Port and took in the sights - and flavors of the city.  Oh, yeah, and we had more poutine.  It's just the thing to do when visiting. 

It was great having visitors from the NYC.  I do miss my ladies.

The girls resting in my frigid apartment:

Kathy on the tracks:

Sonya in the amazing Cathedral at St. Joseph's.

Autumnal Update

I have been a bit lax in updating my blog for the past few weeks.  I apologize and will hopefully give a few entries here to catch up on any important events. 

First, Autumn has arrived in Montreal – or at least that is what they tell me – at times it feels a lot more like Winter than Autumn.   I had initially expected the leaves to all change colors at the same time.   However, that is not the way it works here.  Each tree seems to be taking its turn in changing colors.  Each one gets a moment in the spotlight.  The colors are remarkable and they are everywhere.  It almost makes the cold weather bearable. 

The weather is a bit surprising.  Waking up to 20 degree Farenheit is a bit brisk.  I finally decided I had to turn on my heat.  I have electric elements on the floors of each room.  I hate to turn on the heat – heat = money – but this morning I gave in.  And, well, it makes all the difference.  Initially I was freezing in my home.  Now, it actually feels a bit livable.  Perhaps one day I will turn them all the way up – we'll see when it gets to be below zero.

Yesterday Lindsay and I went and found some winter clothes.  In the past ten years I have never had a real winter coat.  I have had various coats, but usually I just layer up.  In NYC I would wear six or so layers because my work was so cold inside.  Here, I am told, I need a "real" winter coat.  Initially we were looking at Kanuk coats – but I didn't really have a spare $800 to spend on a coat.  So, instead we found a few more affordable options.  I came away with a nice, big, and incredibly warm coat and a pair of solid winter boots – with good grips on the bottoms in order to not fall and break my osteoporotic bones.   Now I feel ready.  Bring on the snow!! (Okay, maybe I will retract that last comment – even though I have the clothes, I don't think I'm ready for the actual meteorological event . . . )


Here are a couple more cool photos of Autumn in Montreal.  Gotta love it!

Uncle Jay

The best part of going to Utah is getting to play with my thirteen nieces and nephews.  I am consistently impressed at the crisp, clear personalities that they have from early on.  Each one incredibly different than the one before.  I wish I was closer and could have a stronger place in their lives.  They are one of the main reasons I occasionally think about moving back to Utah (don't worry, the moment usually fades quickly -- with the requisite shudders and palate cleansing).  They grow so very fast.  I initially had the goal of taking pictures of all of them this trip out -- however, it was not to be.  However, here for your enjoyment, is a small sampling.  They are adorable . . .

 

 

 

This last one is a game of hide and seek -- complete with eyes-closed counting at the basketball standard. 

Love it!

Cleaning Memories

While at my parents' house last week, my attention was brought to a series of boxes belonging to me sitting on shelves in the garage.  This initially came as a surprise.  I truly felt that I had taken most of my belongings with me in my frequent moves.  Apparently I was wrong.  So, one morning I decided to go through the boxes -- a brave and daring adventure.

What I found in those boxes was a collection of letters, yearbooks, photos, mission paraphernalia from Japan and large amounts of books.  I was surprised to find that I still had strong attachments to many of the items -- somehow feeling that getting rid of them would be the end of the world.  Each item represented a specific part of myself -- a specific role from my past.  I forced myself to work through the items and eventually managed to reduce the contents from eight boxes to three.  I took a large load to Deseret Industries gave some items to my siblings and tossed the rest.  There is truly something therapeutic about cleaning house -- reducing the many boxes we have to a more manageable number.  Figuring out what we are ready to let go of and what we still want to hold onto.  I tossed many many pictures and letters.  But I also held onto random objects and mementos.  It helped me to once again redefine who I am -- who I want to be -- and to gain a clearer vision of who I was.

I highly recommend it.

Je ne comprends pas

When moving to Montreal became a reality, I decided I needed to learn French.  After all, to get by in a bilingual city it is usually a good idea to be bilingual.  Plus, once I arrived and moved into my apartment I found that my neighborhood is almost exclusively French-speaking.  (The politics of language is a fascinating topic here in Quebec and perhaps a subject for a future posting.)  I initially started working with a set of CD's through Pimsleur.  I had good results with them when I went to Siberia to visit my parents and I figured I could do it again.  Diligently I would listen to my CD's and repeat the various phrases and exercises they provided.  After a while I was feeling like Mr. French Fancy Pants . . . that is, until I actually attempted to have a conversation.  I needed something more hardcore and so I decided to sign up for a French Conversation class through the Continuing Education Program at Concordia.  When I went to register for the course, the individual signing me up did a brief "evaluation" to determine which class I belonged in.  This "evaluation" consisted of him asking me a short question (probably, "What is your name?") and me responding with the only phrase I had really mastered "Je ne comprends pas" ("I have no idea what the heck you're babbling at me").  His evaluation expertly determined that I should be in the beginning class.

Last night was my first night of French Conversation I.  And it lived up to every glorious expectation I ever had.  It was like something out of a David Sedaris essay.  I entered the room, only to discover that I was the only person in the class over the age of 19.  I was also the only individual in the class who was not from some part of Asia and for whom English was their first language.  The desks were arranged into groups of four with two dyads side by side.  I took one of the only empty seats left, opposite Chi, a severe looking girl with pink-rimmed cat-eye glasses.  I attempted to make small talk with her, but her stern look seemed to rebuke me for not addressing her in French.  I tried a playful -- if not somewhat anxious -- "Bonjour!"  To this Chi responded by blinking twice and sending a text message.  I could not have been more excited.  The instructor arrived exactly at 6:00.  I'm sure that she told us her name sometime during the course of the evening, but I missed it -- along with 90% of the words that flowed from her.  She had a tight smile with white teeth and bright pink lipstick.  Her frilly blouse and jacket matched her lipstick perfectly.  In her freshly highlighted hair she had six or seven small butterfly clips in various shades of pink and purple.  If I couldn't have a beret, I would take butterfly hair clips.  She only spoke in French.  I only understood in English -- grasping for anything that sounded remotely familiar and repeating it loudly with gusto.

Toward the end of the "lesson" we were instructed (mostly through wild gesturing) to go around to our classmates and ask the following questions:

1.  What is your family name?
2.  What is your student number?
3.  What is your telephone number and address?
4.  What is your email address?
5.  When is your birthday?

I felt like the next questions would include :  What is your Social Insurance Number?  What is your bank account number?  What is the PIN to your debit card?

I initially attempted to get Chi's digits, but she was busy texting (her loss) so I worked my way through Akishi, Lu, Ashti and Stacii -- making sure that I altered some of the information on each of my answers so that they couldn't drain my bank account.  We slogged through the exercise for what seemed like hours until time was up.  Ms. Butterfly cheerfully babbled something to us -- writing what appeared to be a homework assignment on the board - and then gestured toward the door.  In unison we all said, "Adieu" and made our way onto the French filled streets.

Next week will be another adventure, I have no doubt.

Anniversary

Tomorrow is September 11th.  The anniversary of that intensely tragic day eight years ago.  A strange feeling to realize that this will be the first year, since the event, that I am not living in NYC.  It's odd to sense the distance.  Eight years ago I had just moved to NYC -- I was relatively innocent.  I had barely embarked on a new journey to change my life.  A cross-country move -- a change in profession -- and an open future.  Then, that fateful morning, as I left the gym, less than a mile from the World Trade Center, I saw people looking up and followed their glance as we watched one -- and then two planes hit.  One would be an accident -- two would be . . . what?  Incomprehensible.  Standing in the street and watching the rest of the events unfold with the strangers around me -- experiencing our collective trauma.  We gasped.  We cried.  We sank to the ground in unison as the towers fell -- feeling the rumble . . . eventually overtaken by waves of smoke and emotion. 

To this day I find myself looking for ways to contain the experience -- to express it -- to exorcise it.  I feel it so deeply in my core, but I have a hard time bringing it to a place where I can look at it and comprehend it.  It feels like a defining moment in my life.  A moment when I understood the depth of man's potential -- the horror and the brilliance.  Oddly (or perhaps not so oddly) it was a moment that confirmed for me that I was in the right place - that I had made the right move.  There was something solid about being there.  It wasn't something I heard about on TV -- there was no television for days.  It wasn't something I read about in newspapers.  It was something I saw.  Something I smelled.  Something I heard.  Something I felt all around and through me.  I lived it.  I get upset when people use the events of September 11th as a tool to justify acts of violence, prejudice and poor judgment.  I take it very personally.  Yes, it was something that happened to our country and it impacted people throughout the world.  But the spirit in New York in the days following the terrorist attacks was not one of vengeance or hatred.  It was not a spirit of prejudice, judgment or cynicism.  It was a broad spirit of love, brotherhood and togetherness.

While the anniversary of 9/11 each year brings with it flashes of pain, memories of suffering, and intense images of terror -- it also brings with it a profound recollection of the unity that was felt in that amazing city.  As I sit here typing this, I realize that I miss New York.  We went through a lot together.  It saw me through my darkest and brightest days.  And, in the end, we both came out stronger. 

Here's to the memory of those who lost their lives eight years ago through acts of extremism.  And here's to the hope that the world can someday move beyond extremism and enter a state of acceptance and inclusion. 

We must be the change we seek in the world.

Gandhi