Stuck

I had been eagerly awaiting the end of the semester which promised to bring with it freedom – time – the ability to focus on the multitude of projects that I have been compiling on my list.  I have articles to write, rooms to paint, books to read, research to conduct, French to study, sights to see and food to cook.  I have been giddy with the anticipation of the new season and the expectation of productivity.  Never before have I had the luxury of time.  However, now that it's here, I find myself decidedly stuck.  I have never been quite this adept at wasting time.  In previous incarnations I have always had structure – a job with set tasks to accomplish a clear and packed schedule.  Now, I am left to my own devices and I am learning I am not a very good self-motivator.  It is truly amazing the amount of time one can spend on the internet.  One news story leads to another which leads to a blog which leads to a curiosity about an obscure topic which leads to a wiki which leads to weather.com which leads to a tour of Facebook . . . completely mind numbing. 

Am I avoiding something?  Is this my resistance or my laziness?  Yesterday, with two hours scheduled to study French I instead found myself napping on the filthy floor of my office with a small stack of books and flashcards for a pillow.  It's not like I'm tired – I am sleeping at least 8 hours a night, more than ever before.  What's the deal?! 

You see, writing on this blog was also one of the things on my list.  Such good intentions, but updating the blog has also fallen the way of my lazy avoidance.  Last night, as I was drifting to sleep and berating myself for my lack of motivation, I decided I would do one thing today:  update my blog.  So, well, this is what you get.  Initially I was feeling the pressure to write about something more profound – my vacation to the forbidden land, my research interests, my fruitless attempts at dating, an episode from my childhood, life in Montreal, culinary adventures, or a brief essay on the joys of teaching.  Instead, you get this.  Lucky you.  For some reason I was able to find the motivation to write about being stuck.  I would like to think that is progress rather than enabling my stuckness.  Time will tell. 

And now, I shall go to my to-do list – cross off "update blog" – and then maybe take a nap . . .